Idoru.us

 

This one has been a win. This entire fucking year has been a win on every last checkmark.

So lets see, its been a while since I wrote anything down here. I believe the last time I wrote something was a week or so after I closed on my condo. Since then I have managed to get my shit moved in, managed to, more or less, furnish the place and most importantly, turn it into home. I think about ‘home’ and this is what comes to mind. Which is both a little surprising and completely awesome. Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of things that I need to get done still, but there is nothing urgent about it at this point. What remains can take a bit of time to get done right rather than fast. Plus, I have been operating in the red for long enough that taking a bit of time to let shit settle down will be a damn good idea.

Plus I was able to cancel my fucking comcast account. Not to say that I might not have to go back to them in a year thanks to the bullshit internet in the US but for now at least I am free and centurylink DSL is ‘good enough’ for right now.

I continue to volunteer intermittently, in fact I just finished a last minute volunteer thing for the non-profit beer company I sideline for. It was at a not so great part of town in a trashy liquor store (they have cops permanently assigned there, classy huh?) but I still managed to get about 5 cases of premium higher priced beer out the door so, you know, mission accomplished and all that when it comes to that. I am sure that they got their money’s worth from me, even when you factor in the surprise of getting some free beer from them for doing it on less than 24 hours notice. Frankly its not as though I really had anything better going, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting at home writing this on a Saturday evening.

Sometime around January when I was pretty unhappy with a number of things in my life I mentioned that I had bought a gift certificate to go sky diving. Well this coming Monday is the big day. Not sure whether I should be excited or scared or what but at this point it doesn’t even seem real to me yet. I drive out there, they strap me to some dude and then throw me out of the plane at 15,000 feet or something. I am sure that it will become real but for right now its just something still out there. Expect a report or something the next time I get off my ass and update this some more.

Speaking of my mental state lately, I have been terrible about going  the gym since I started moving. In fact I made it once last week and hadn’t made it since … I think before we went to Chicago. So I am working on getting my, somewhat chubby, ass back into the gym.

And speaking of Chicago, it was a great long weekend. Low stress, just getting the hell away and spending some time with the lady. A bit of shopping here and there, that sort of thing. Some beers with lunch by the river, walking along lake Michigan, etc. You get the idea, just a short weekend away. I give it a 4.7 out 5, would repeat.

I also, oddly, managed to attend an event to celebrate Canada Day at the consul general’s house. We went last ear as well and its a very surreal environ. Its basically a bunch of big wigs hob nobbing. Basically… an adult party? I am not positive but it was a fun time and I will go again if I get the chance. The weekend after that we went to the beer dabbler at the local pride festival. Good times and lets just say I am rather glad that I live close enough to the light rail that I can take it downtown should I want. It might not be the fastest, or most convenient method of transit but I don’t need to worry about drunk drivers, DUI, my car, anything. Plus, realistically, I almost never go downtown anyway so this might mean I actually start to now.

So here is the other news…. This is the news that has been waiting to happen for a few years now actually. Last Friday I was offered and accepted a new position. Achievement unlocked, new job acquired. I don’t want to give to many details but its one of those things where, as I told my boss, I really couldn’t not accept the offer that was made. So… yeah. Its a win and a learning experience. One thing I will say, I will genuinely miss the people on my current team. They are good people and they are going to have to deal with a lot of bullshit. My leaving has only made the bullshit worse for them. I will genuinely miss some of the people in my current office, but they will get over it and so will I. I will also genuinely enjoy never having to see one worthless woman who has gone out of her way to make my life worse. Its good to be going somewhere more positive and getting away from that negative energy pit.

The real takeaway from all of this though is that I have managed to accomplish more goals in the last 6 months than I had managed to accomplish in the previous few years. I am sure that there are a lot of different things that I could point my finger at and say ‘it was X! X held me back!’ or ‘man, if only Y had been the case everything would have been so much simpler!’ Instead what I am going to do is say that I got complacent. I got comfortable and allowed myself to start thinking of the status quo as, not exactly superior but perhaps…. easier. It was easier to keep myself in a position of being a big fish in a little pond. Then when I became a little fish in a big pond I was scared. Scared of getting eaten by one of those big fish that I used to be. Eventually I realized that this was really no way to live. I was miserable, I was situationally depressed, I was drinking way too much, I was angry all the damn time. So whats the fucking solution?

Try again, fail again. No worries, fail better.

Work on what I could control and let the chips fall here they may. Just fucking do it. That was the answer I found. Doesn’t matter really if I am afraid, its better to be a bit scared than a raging ball of misery (how come I never learned that when i was 18 and fueled by hate?). At the very least fear keeps you on your toes. I might not float like a butterfly and sting like a bee but I can still dance & when I bring the pain it can be felt so thats good enough for right now.

I think thats probably enough rambling self congratulatory masturbation for the evening. But yeah, after a lot of learning its a big fucking checkmark in the win category all the way around.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 12th, 2014 at 9:44 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.