Idoru.us

this is entirely how I feel when it comes to the job I ended up in. And the terrible part is that I am not sure either how to get out or where to go. Its a fucking mess.

It sucks to admit the truth but maybe thats step one here. I am miserable at work and its not getting any better.  Now I gotta figure out how to deal with that. What am I passionate about? What would I like to do if money wasn’t the object? How do i get back to waking up and wanting to go to work in the morning? Because right now I wake and want to do anything but. I don’t have answers to any of these questions. That is what we can call a problem. But I haven’t the foggiest as to where to find a solution.

A funny thing happened last week. An online community that I have been an active member of for, literally, more than a decade announced that it will be closing. This has been the most unique internet community that I have ever seen and is probably the most deserving of the term “Community” that I have seen as well. Its certainly caused me to step back and reflect upon my time spent there. There has been a lot of good and some bad that has been a part of my time there, truly a mixed bag. One thing that is very clear however is how much of my life I have spent there. Some of it has been productive, some of it has been wasted. Either way though I look at that time and go “I could have learned a language. I could have volunteered. I could have done many things.” then again I also think “I met some people that I genuinely call ‘friends’ and care a great deal about.”

Supposedly the community is going to build a new version, with the former owner supplying some backend support to get things up and running but it has forced me to consider some of the transient nature of things. Whatever the community creates will not be what was. In a lot of ways I can compare this to the various iterations of the Lobby (or Sandy’s, or boy scouts or anything else I participated in for a significant portion of time). The biggest difference is how long this has lasted compared to, well, anything. Ultimately I glad for what I had and realize that going forward will be something different and see whether I think I will fit in or belong in that community (if it even ever exists, but that’s another story). Regardless I am fairly sure that I will not be as invested in the community and I have heard that sentiment echoed by others. I think its mostly just time for me to move on and learn that language or whatever.

It has also caused me to look at the rest of the time I have spent online…. a lot of it has been even more wasted. I don’t regret it but it has certainly encouraged a change in perspective for myself going forward. I have actually already deleted a few accounts and un-subscribed from some newsletters. Hopefully it sticks although I am sure that I will continue to use the internet more than most others do.

This actually dovetails rather nicely with a lot of what else is going on in my life these days. As previously mentioned I am attempting to go to the gym more, with … mediocre results. I have been having a very difficult time getting into any sort of routine. Hopefully I will be able to power through it and turn the corner. If I can’t then I will be trying something else to get into the habit but I know that it has worked well in the past. I went yesterday at least, so that’s a start. Planning on going again tomorrow as I have the day off as well, so I can put in a good workout.

I mentioned that I was starting to volunteer. Yesterday was actually day one of that, well of actual volunteering. Training was last Wednesday and I learned a fair amount. Spent some time tossing beer around and serving it to some people. It was outside and felt good, even though I have 0 idea how much of what I did actually went to charity. Still, its a stand up company so it works. One of the other volunteer positions I was looking at doing is… crazy intense to even get a spot. Like multiple background checks intense and I strongly suspect that despite my belief in their mission I will try to find a new avenue of volunteering. There are plenty of other groups, such as the HRC that I also really believe in, so it should be very possible.

I am also continuing to try and get ready for this test. In a really pathetic half assed manner. part of me doesn’t want to go forward with it because of the wholke ‘fear of failure’ thing. Part of me just allows myself to get distracted by other things that are, you know, fun. Studying is distinctly not fun. Plus I have fallen out of the habit after college, much harder than I would have expected. Of course there is an arguement to be made that I could have studied harder in college as well. That argument is called “The Truth.” Combine that with the increased activity in my job hunt and the increased amount of work at my current job and time is less free than it was before anyway. Just need to make the time really.

I took a bit of time today and cleaned up the bike (some) and went for a final ride. I was going to go for a much longer one but it seems as though a fork seal has more or less decided to fail and it won’t be safe to ride until I get that taken care of. Lovely end to the season I suppose. Its forcing me to think about selling the bike and buying a new one. I will old onto this one until the spring so I have plenty of time to decide but I suspect that I will probably sell her in the spring as the resale value will be higher. If I have to go most of the summer without a bike …. I won’t be happy but I will survive. For the most part though it makes sense and it feels like its nearing time to upgrade anyway. We’ll see either way as I have all winter to figure it out.

I am also continuing with the whole house buying process. At this point its still a lot of research since I have time before I am really moving too far forward. One of the great things I have learned though is just how many programs are out there for first time buyers. I mean obviously I hope to be in a position where I have more money to spend as well but I don’t think that will prevent me from taking advantage of some of these programs. Certainly feels good to know that I should be able to get something anyway.

And that’s kind of where things are at right now… There is a lot of other stuff as well but its not that exciting honestly.

The obvious answer is yes, I was. The unusual part is that I could afford to hold onto the car much past the time period where I should have let go. In fact, if you ask some people I should have let go several years ago, however even with buying another car there was no burning need to sell the paseo and I had, as previously described, an irrational emotional attachment to the car.

In a fit of rationality however I am now back to being a 1 car/1 bike household. Or I will be after tomorrow anyway, when the paperwork gets completed. It makes sense ultimately and I got more than I probably should have (what I am really saying there is that the Paseo wasn’t worth much from an objective standpoint). I also got to see the joy that a young lady has when she got her first car. It brought me back 14 years to when I bought that car and remembering just how excited I was. It would have been wrong to deny that to her in a lot of ways.

Besides, I sold it to a neighbour, there might be the chance to buy her back in a few years.

In other news about me…. I have clicked cookies entirely too much. As of right now, somewhere north of 15quadrillion cookies. In terms of sociological experiments this is probably the most fascinating to me. Its a ‘game’ that has no real point but is strangely addicting. The cost of entry is basically 0, just let it run and click cookies. Particularly the golden cookies. Get achievements. That’s it. Once I get the last few antimatter condensers I think I will reset and wipe my save and get the hell out while I still can.

I finished my class last weekend. All that’s left is paying for and taking the test. I have the money to do so but am waiting until October sometime in an effort to keep a little money around. Turns out buying a car was pretty damn expensive all around, both financially and emotionally. Regardless its all on me, $300 and a 150 multiple choice test. Have I ever told you that I hate multiple choice tests?

Getting back into the gym somewhat. Its not easy but I suppose it was never promised to be. In fact it explicitly is not easy, that’s why we call it work. I started swimming again, thinking back to when I was swimming competitively along with lifeguarding, teaching swimming lessons and helping coach a swim team. I was (comparatively) ripped. My stroke is coming back but the rest of it is not so easy. I have shit for endurance these days because its muscles I haven’t used consistently in years. Still, it will come….

Aside from that I have been looking into volunteering lately. There has been a certain emptiness in my life in a way. I am happy with the lady, work is work, I stay busy…. but I haven’t been feeling as though I am giving back lately. Or really for several years in fact, that has been a big contributor to my dissatisfaction with my job I think. It has probably also contributed to some of my more self destructive habits in a lot of ways. So I started thinking about things that really matter to me and the answer was actually kind of obvious. As somebody who isn’t interested in having children I get asked, often, what I am going to do when I am old. Who will take care of me? How will I survive? Unfortunately the truth of the matter is that simply having kids is no guarantee that they will take care of you for a variety of reasons. However it turns out there is a way to make the elderly have a better final few years. Friends of the Elderly seems to be right up my interests. Its either that or volunteer with Finnegan’s and I can’t get my schedule to work with their unfortunately.

So that’s life.